One of the central themes in the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life (my review here) is that of conflict versus comfort. The author Donald Miller admits to losing himself in daydreams, and I admit to doing the same. Daydreams in which I’m a leaner, stronger version of myself, living a more exciting life than I do now.

But why do we do that? Why do we lose ourselves in front of the TV or computer, gazing and clicking our lives away, instead of going out there and living like the heroes we see on TV and the computer?

In the book, Miller writes that human beings don’t like to be uncomfortable and therefore they seek comfort. Yet, without conflict – not necessarily the kind of conflict that involves violence between people, but a general sort of conflict that goes against you getting your goals – there is no character. Great ambition introduces great conflict, which leads to great character.

At the same time, we don’t want to be uncomfortable, stressed and afraid. We imagine how great it would be to live through conflict, like the heroes we see on the TV, but the great truth is that when you’re in the middle of conflict, you don’t like it in there. You want to have lived through conflict, not to be in conflict. Nobody wants to be doing sit-ups, they just want to have great abs.

And yet, the experience of conflict, the push against odds to achieve your heart’s desire, is what builds your character in the end, not the actual heart’s desire itself. At the same time, you don’t want to be looking for conflict simply for the sake of experiencing conflict, you want to be looking for a goal worthy enough to inspire you to go on even through conflict.

What’s my worthy goal? No answers here, just wondering out loud.

1. If You Want to Get Creative, Get Bored
2. What is Inner Game?
3. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller

Haters gonna hate, but I don’t wanna go there.

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey writes that “one of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those who are present.”

Suppose you and I were talking alone, and we were criticizing our supervisor in a way that we would not dare to do if he were present. Now what will happen when you and I have a falling out? You know I’m going to be discussing your weaknesses with someone else. That’s what you and I did behind our supervisor’s back. You know my nature. I’ll sweet-talk you to your face and bad-mouth you behind your back. You’ve seen me do it.

I can’t say I’ve been a saint since I read those words so many years ago. I’ve indulged in my fair share of gossip and behind-the-back complaints; it’s an easy way to let off steam and get a quick high at someone’s expense. But you know what? It’s empty calories.

So I do my best not to participate whenever I can hold myself back – not just because I want to build some integrity, but because I don’t want to be consumed by hate.

Negativity breeds negativity, and nothing good can come out of it. Once the beloved subject of negativity goes away, those who indulge don’t let it go. They simply find someone else to be negative about – their hate has caught them in a vicious loop, and they can’t find any other way to feel better about themselves anymore than to beat someone else down. I’ve seen it happen too many times, and it’s a real slippery slope from your first line of poison to a heart full of hate. But you know what? Don’t pick it up, and you won’t have to put it down.

It’s real easy to tear someone down, especially when he’s not there. It’s much harder to build someone up and affect real change. One takes from the table, one brings something to it. In the wise words of Will Smith in his song Just the Two of Us:

Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
Cause hate in your heart will consume you too

Respect.

1. Words Build People
2. Fruits of Your Mind
3. Words Build Cultures

You know you’re in trouble when the life coaching you went to get over your issues and get things done only uncovers more issues, which unfortunately, requires even more life coaching sessions, but damn, lucky for you, there’s an upgrade package which will help you shave hundreds off the thousands you now need to cough up.

You know, so you can go get things done.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you What The Fuck Life Coaching™, a revolutionary breakthrough in recursive navel-gazing and vertical up-selling.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m good for meditative retreats, contemplative afternoons and friends telling me when I’m being a dumb-ass. (Did I say good? I navel-gazed for 10 days in meditative silence!)

But hey, if you’re spending more time in that life coaching office than actually out there doing the stuff you wanted to get done, you are so fucked up the vertical up-sell my friend. A good coach is like a good doctor, the less time you spend in that office, the better off you are. Wasn’t getting a life the reason you went in the first place?

Here’s a suggestion: Stop digging for and releasing every little issue you think you might have before you think you’ll be able to go do stuff. Then go and do some shit. And then you might find some ways to spend those thousands that are more fun than spending hours in an office figuring out why you’re so fucked up. Cue The Pavlina money quote:

Obsession with figuring out why you’re blocked is a block in itself, yet another way that procrastination manifests.

Ain’t that the truth.

1. The Tools You Love Help You Love
2. The Digital Clutter
3. Why 21 Dragons Exists

Inner game is what enables you to act. Nothing less, nothing more.

The Longer Answer

Timothy Gallwey first coined the term ‘inner game’ in his book The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance. He wrote that “every game is composed of two parts, an outer game and an inner game”; where the outer game is fought against another opponent and the inner game is fought against your own inner doubts and fears.

As an ex-personal development coach, I met people who wanted to improve their inner game so they could finally get what they wanted in life. Problem was these people became so obsessed with getting their inner game tight, they believed that they had to get it perfect before they could get anything done. And so they got nothing done, all the while working hard on their ‘inner game’. Did I say I met? Heck, I was one of these people!

So. I don’t care what it is, an obscure ancient method of goal-setting, changing beliefs while tapping your head and rubbing your stomach, or visualizing with mystic shamans from the tenth dimension, if it doesn’t enable you to act, make something, get stuff done, forget it. It’s not inner game, it’s inner masturbation.

Inner game is what enables you to act. Nothing less, nothing more.

1. Mystery Method in Singapore?
2. A Letter to a Young Colleague
3. Conflict vs. Comfort

How do we walk?

Our lead leg leaves the ground first, swinging from the hip, our balance shifts and we fall forward. We catch ourselves when our heel hits the ground, then our foot rolls onto its toes. The trailing leg leaves the ground, and we fall forward again.

We do it so casually day in and day out, we never notice ourselves falling.

And yet, that’s what we do – lose and regain our balance thousands of times a day.

The Perfect Relationship

A friend told me about an online discussion she read on ‘the perfect relationship’. It sounded like most people define perfection as a place where they can stop struggling – where everything stays pristine for now and ever.

It also sounded like a fantasy.

She asked me what I thought a perfect relationship was, if there ever could be such a creature.

Honestly?

I think it’s a lot like walking. You fall, but you regain your balance again. And when you can find balance in imperfection together, walking until the end of your journeys, that sounds just about perfect to me.

1. Why I Love Writing
2. Words Build Cultures
3. Why 21 Dragons Exists

I turned 30 last Thursday. Looking back on my 20s, I’d be lying if I said there were things I didn’t wish I’d done differently, but mostly, I’m happy and grateful for the experiences I’ve had. If I had a chance to go back in time and share with my 20-year old self the lessons I’ve learned in these last 10 years, this is probably what I’d say.

1. Play, Experiment, Learn

I know you want a lot of answers. The thing is, impatient as you are, some answers won’t come immediately. They can’t. They can only be bought with experience and time.

Right now, be okay with not knowing. Play. Experiment. Learn. Use your 20s to discover who you are, what you love and what you want to contribute to this world.

You will be scared, but sometimes fear will point you in the direction where you need to grow most. Don’t chase perfection, you won’t get it. And don’t confuse knowledge for experience; the answers you seek will lie in action, not endless navel-gazing.

Photo by Pink Sherbet

2. Work to Learn

If you’re ever offered a choice between doing something that will help you learn but pays less and doing something that won’t teach you anything but will make you more, go for the learning. You’ll be making and losing money all your life, but what you learn will always be a part of you, and without family depending on you or a mortgage to service, you can still afford to be a little broke.

When I was 25, I volunteered for nearly a year at a place called Adam Khoo Learning Technologies Group in their personal development training programs as a coach/facilitator. Some of the programs paid (little), most didn’t. My bank account hovered between triple and double digits that year, I ate cheaply and didn’t buy a lot of things – but I learned so much there I was a different person when I left.

Looking back, I’m sure that if I hadn’t made that journey as a coach, I would still be as lost and negative as you are now, and I would never have learned to stretch myself and stay positive. Was I broke? Yes, and it was a bitch. But for what I got in return, I’d say the price I paid was worth it.

3. Learn to Make

There are two ways you can make your way in this world; you can make or you can take. Those who make create value. Those who take can only take the value that creators make.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a sculptor or an accountant, you can always find a way to create more value. Some people spend a lifetime polishing skills that only allow them to take, but they will always be dependent on those who make, and they’ll never be able to break free and gain their own independence.

The life of a maker will always be more enriching, and as you enrich the world you’ll find yourself enriched in turn. Whether it’s a photograph, dish, business, friend, sale, become a maker of things and bring new creations into the world.

Get Excited and Make Things by Matt Jones

4. There’s Something More Important than Failure

I know failure can be frightening. But for all you do your best, you’re going to have moments where you take a big step forward only to fall flat on your face. It happens to everyone; living a perfect life free from mistake is just not possible.

It’s embarrassing and disheartening, I know. But to learn and grow, you have to take chances and that means you’ll win some, you’ll lose some. If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original. Once you accept that sometimes you’ll fail, you’ll discover something far more important: the ability to bounce back from failure and keep going anyway.

Be willing to try despite the risk of failure. Because keeping yourself safe from failure will also keep you safe from success.

Photo by Tom Grundy

5. Stretch

A friend of mine advised me once to never get too comfortable, and she was right. Perhaps the most powerful lesson I learned during my stint as coach at AKLTG was to stretch myself: to challenge myself to do the things that scare me but help me grow.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do, because the face of your fear is at the limits of your comfort zone – which is another name for your sphere of power. If you don’t step out of your comfort zone, you’ll never increase your personal power and your fear will have you. Stretch.

6. Have Your Own Yardstick

In your 20s, you’ll see some friends rise up in the world, and inevitably you’ll sometimes find yourself measuring yourself by their achievements. In addition, the world will also try to enforce upon you multiple definitions of success. A man can go crazy this way, trying to measure up to all these things.

But there is really only one true measurement you need to concern yourself with, and that’s your own – don’t waste your time chasing after other people’s dreams. Discover what’s important to you, discover what you want, and do your best to live accordingly.

7. This Way Only Comes Once

I remember what it feels like to be 20 – the world wide open and the future full of possibilities. Yet I want you to remember that this way only comes once, and you’ll never get a second chance to pass it again.

So seize the day, and don’t waste it with petty people or concerns. Stretch yourself and live as much as you can, with whatever you’ve got. The days, weeks and years will be over before you know it. This applies both to all the good times you think will last forever and the dark times you think will never go away.

8. Care for the People You Love

You will see people and friends die, and it’ll always be sad and surreal at the same time. It’s sometimes hard to believe, but it’ll remind you of the limited time you have on this planet, a fact often forgotten.

There will be those who won’t like you no matter what you do. It doesn’t matter. The people who love you and whom you love do, and they won’t be around forever. Make the extra effort to be with them and enrich their lives with your being. Work, money and things will come and go, but the people who’ll stick with you through the vicissitudes of life are what matter the most.

Photo by Hamed Masoumi

9. There is No Path

For all the formulae and proven methods you’ll hear in the next 10 years about life and how to live it, there is only one truth, beautifully told by the Spanish poet Antonio Machado:

Wanderer, your footsteps are
the road, and nothing more;
wanderer, there is no road,
the road is made by walking.
By walking one makes the road,
and upon glancing behind
one sees the path
that never will be trod again.
Wanderer, there is no road –
Only wakes upon the sea.

There are no crystal balls and guarantees, only best guesses and gut feelings. Don’t try to copy someone else’s path. Be true to your own heart and find your own way. Good luck.

Photo by extranoise

1. Burger Bench & Bar
2. The Tools You Love Help You Love
3. Self-Esteem vs. Self-Respect II

What else do you expect from planting seeds of envy, hate and bile? You can’t get apples from an orange seed, and you can’t expect to get happiness from planting seeds of negativity.

What seeds have you planted in the garden of your mind?

1. Haters Gonna Hate & the Other End of the Stick
2. Turn Pessimism into Gold
3. East Coast Night

Self-esteem comes from thinking better of yourself.

Self-respect comes from making yourself do difficult things.

1. Self-Esteem vs. Self-Respect
2. On Reputation
3. A Letter to a Young Colleague