As a coronary to my 9 Keys to Building a Blog You Can Be Proud Of post, I thought I’d write this tongue-in-cheek contrast (this blog post itself is worth $37, so read up!).
9 Keys to Build a Rock-Solid Turnkey Blog That Will Make a Trillion Dollars For You While You Sleep – Even If You Have One Hand Tied Behind Your Back & No Fucking Clue
1. It’s All About the Money
Keep your eyes on the prize, honey.
It’s not building a blog you can be proud of, it’s not writing because you enjoy writing, it’s not posting intelligent, carefully crafted articles that make people think. It’s especially not about sharing your passion with other people in an authentic voice that doesn’t make you cringe.
It’s making a trillion dollars while the authentic people hug trees and snort wheatgrass.
2. Get Rich or Blog Trying
While hippy tree-huggers are talking about following your bliss, I’m talking about following the cold hard cash. If it’s something you’re passionate about but it won’t make the bucks, drop it like it’s hot. A hot dead dog, that is. While we hold the cash, because it’s cold and you can hold cold stuff like that.
3. It’s Not Copying – It’s Inspired
There are millions of people out there saying the same thing over and over again – so you’re lucky you won’t have to make up anything new. Just copy, copy, copy, paste and change a couple of words – it’s not unoriginal, it’s inspired.
4. It’s All About You
Imagine making truckloads of cash just by writing about what you had for breakfast and how nobody loves you – its a little magic we call personal marketing. So post that video of yourself choking on potato chips while you talk about how you haven’t had a date in years and watch the cheques beat down your door.
5. Use Viral Words to Get Marketing
Use the exact same viral words experts are using to generate 120% profits while they lie on beaches rubbing suntan oil on hot Brazilian models. And the best part is you don’t even have to think about what to say: just say what they say the way they say it and soon you’ll have your own hot and oily model to get viral with!
6. Recycling – Good for the Planet and Good for Blogging
Evolution’s for the dinosaurs. It’s totally okay to say the same 3 to 4 things over and over again in a few hundred different ways. That’s the secret turnkey system that will triple your income while your kitten takes a nap (that’s right, it’s so easy your kitten could do it falling asleep).
7. Walking the Talk is for Lame People
Here’s the Good News: on the Internets nobody knows if you blog about adventure mountain climbing but you’re really a fatso staying in a dingy basement who hasn’t stepped out of the house in weeks. Walking the talk is for people with jobs, real bloggers make money the smart way: by thought-leadering.
8. Traffic Is King
Make the people come, then build it. We’re talking SEO, link-bait, link exchange, paid links and Alexa rankings, baby. With Page Rank like that, you won’t need compelling content at all to make your trillions.
9. Be Just Like One of the Boys
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Blogging has made us billions – after all, we say so on our blogs – so why try to be original? This is your chance to be one of the cool kids. Be just like us, do exactly what we’re doing, and you too can be rich and famous on the Internet.
And here’s a bonus key, just because you’re so awesome.
10. Follow My Rules Unless You Want to End Up Yesterday’s Eighties Star
Nobody wants to be yesterday’s eighties star. There are real secrets to blogging success that they don’t want you to know about – and I know all of them. And they can be all yours for the cutthroat price of only $899.99, and that’s cutting me own throat!
P.S. But if you order within the next 17 hours, they can be yours for only $499.99 – which is practically stealing from my bank but I’m okay with it!
